“You”, “we”, or “I:” my pronoun usage needs changing. (Principle 4, Step 5) Here’s the truth: When I use the “you” pronoun I don’t really know what I’m talking about especially when I declare what “you” are feeling, aren’t feeling, think, don’t think, are doing, aren’t doing, or what “you” should be doing, feeling, thinking or what “you” must stop doing, feeling, thinking in some general statement. I’m just being so presumptuous. I assume I know all about you! like I’m omniscient. Proverbs 13:10 says “Through presumption comes nothing but strife.” I’ve realized a lot of my “you” statements are direct judgments against “you.” I realize now that judgment separates me from others no matter what my good intentions are…it does not reconcile, build relationships or help others, at all. If I want to ruin relationships and run people off, criticism and judgment are the perfect means. About a decade ago, as a pastor, I began to wonder why people weren’t drawn to me anymore but instead started distancing themselves from me the more I tried to help them. Why couldn’t they see my good intention? After all, hadn’t I entered the “know all, be all” stage of ministry. They couldn’t take the “cure” of condemnation and shame I tried to correct them with. They desperately needed grace, edification, and encouragement but in my pride and arrogance I thought I knew what was wrong with them and what would fix them, but instead, it only ran them off.
The truth is I don’t know what “you” are feeling, thinking, doing, or believing. And I certainly don’t know God’s specific will for you. Paul prayed for us that we would come to know Him in truth and “be filled with the knowledge of His will.” I pray that for myself daily because I need to know Him more now than ever in my life and to hear His specific will for me. Thankfully He keeps these things between me and Him. How then can I assume I’ve been made privy to any of His specific insight or will concerning “you?” I overestimate my importance when I assume such.
I also need to change my “we” statements…these are when I want to say “you” but don’t want to offend, so instead I say “we” to sound like I’m including myself in my judgments, as if that will make them more true and acceptable to “you”. But the truth is I’m only minimally including myself, and these are just badly disguised criticisms of “you”. Sometimes I’m actually lying when I use the “we” pronoun, because I don’t think it’s true of me at all. “We” statements are identifying but much of what I say about “we” I don’t actually identify with. There are some Biblical “we” statements that I absolutely want to identify with but if I presume you should identify with them too, I’m again on shaky ground. The media is really into “we” statements. Ever notice that many of the causes emphasize how “we are all affected” by the particular issue? I’m sure there are many people who believe that’s true. I don’t. The marketing tool is used to make everyone feel responsible for the issue and join in to find the cure, or at the least, send money to help someone else cure it. I often don’t identify with these “we are all affected” issues and subconsciously I click the mute button on my mental remote. Do I think I’m the only one with a mute button when I try to get “you” to identify with and take responsibility for my judgmental “we” statements?
“I” confessions are really the only statements I can make in truth. I believe in certain things. I feel this way. I’m doing such and such. I think this or that. I’m solely responsible for these. Let agreement or criticism come as it may. When it does, I must understand that every response is just as true for “you” as my statements are for me. I’m going to stop trespassing “your” mental, emotional, and spiritual boundaries, stop telling “you” what “you” think, feel, or believe, and are responsible for and perhaps this will help me stop committing offences against “you” with my presumptions, judgments and criticisms. I’m going to be more truthful and use “I” in place of “you” and “we.” And if I feel compelled to use “you” instead of “me,” I’m going to search out why and perhaps learn something new about my own character defects. As I begin my effort to change this bad habit, please pray for me because I’ve been really good at pointing my finger at “you” and hiding “me” in the “we”. This will probably cut down on how much I have to say as well! LOL
Working on my hurts, habits and hang ups….
Step 5 “We admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.”
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” (James 5:16)
